The thing that really got to me was my wedding vows.
For better for worse
In Sickness and in health...
Now I couldn't get my head around what gave my husband the right, to not cope with my Lupus and just walk away, because life just got that little bit tougher.
Yes I was mad. Hell yes. In fact furious doesn't even come close.
I vented, I ranted, I swore. This was all down the phone...at him. And no he didn't put the phone down on me! It was a strange case of self-flagellation. Hell it felt good, damned good. He kept saying that he deserved to hear all of this. So I let rip. I'm a writer. I have a lot of words. These were words I'd been saving up over 7 long years of marriage and 9 years together.
Once I'd been heard I knew I could move on. I felt validated.
The next step was to see my GP to organise some counselling. This stuff in my head had to go somewhere and keeping it inside was just toxic.
For a non-American I can thoroughly recommend a bit of therapy. I knew I had to keep myself functional to do my job, helping and supporting new mothers and their families.
I couldn't write at the time. I was just too screwed up. Now I write to keep myself ticking over. Its my regular MOT/ car service if you like!
The first thing the psychologist said was," You must never go back to him...NEVER...have you heard me?!"
I was stunned. But you know she was the wisest woman and I needed to hear those words.
This was my first step to health.
Remove all toxins from your life. I was on the road...
So I kept up with 6 sessions of therapy. Kept at my day job. Moved 2 students into my rented house with the OK of the landlord. I had to sort the practicalities out like money too. Having nice people around and my lovely cat really gave me the mood shift I needed. Living alone was really the worst thing. And y'know sharing was ok. I got to choose my tenants and I can spot a crazy nut job at a thousand paces. I needed calm and a little bit of different.
Then I thought dating, shall I or shan't I? I was really nervous and managed to pick up a real dip-shit on my first attempt. Having dumped him once I realised, he became slightly psychotic/stalkerish and bombarded me with text messages. Oh I picked a 'right one'!!!
No more dating sites.
Then on a night out, at a pub (The Clock Hotel) in Surry Hills, with my fellow housies there he was...across the room in the pokies!!! I kid you not. I was giving a big lecture on how bad these pokies were, how they were the scourge of modern Australian society. I was in total soapbox social worker mode! His mate had just put 5 x $50 in and had wedged the start button with a drinks coaster. And he blew all of it in seconds.
I'm not going to give his real name as he asked me not too! He's shy (not) in an Australian way. So I'll call him Hugh (as in Jackman)
or maybe Russell (as in Crowe)
or Simon (as in Baker). Oh too many hot Aussie man....I'm going with Simon :-)
Simon took me and my house mate, Kathy down to Bondi Beach for a day of sand, sea and surf. I covered myself in Factor 50, slapped on a hat and had fun.
The next week we had a date at the pictures and 2 months later I moved in to his apartment in Sydney. It was as easy as that. When things are right they just happen and we're here together 8 years on... Eight awesome years that have ridden the roller-coaster that is my life and Lupus. And today my life is good, awesome and amazing.
Yes I have my bad fibro days and I'm in pain every day. Some days better than others.
But I've learnt how to pace myself. Simon doesn't ask too much of me. He loves me writing, loves my cooking and basically loves every bit of crazy, eccentric me.
Don't give up on the Knight in Shining armour. You may find him where you least expect him just like I did.
See you back here real soon. Hope your week is good and your pain days are few <3 Sending hugs from OZ XX
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