Thursday, 8 May 2014

Moving in and moving on and miscarriage no 5

It would have been rude to refuse such a kind offer! I'm referring to my new boyfriend, Simons' insistence that I move in with him. 

I was so 'off' men that it wasn't even funny. My trust had got up and gone. But I figured that I had to make a choice. My housemates were moving back to their respective countries. So it was either recruit new housemates and live like a perennial Bridget Jones or bite the bullet and just do it.

The litmus test was my tabby cat, Starsky. She'd taken to Simon immediately so it was a real no-brainer. When my recent blind date from a dating website had gone wrong, Starsky had pooped in the corner of Cathy's room. Yes, Starsky was one very astute cat. And Starsky was a real lady and never pooped anywhere apart from the litter tray.



So that was that. Simon said, 'Go to work, I'll pack all your stuff up, hire a van. You just go to work as per usual and when you come home it's all done and I'll look after you and Starsky.' Too good to be true? No not at all. As I said previously, I'm still there 8 and a bit years on! I told Simon all about my Lupus. Did he bolt and run for the hills? No, he didn't. He was a man and said no problem I'm here to look after you and Starsky. And he did and he has. He is a rare diamond. I owe my remission to Simon. He has believed in me and that belief has led to some amazing things.

I can't lie though. There have been a few blips (all health related) and they have been bad but I can't tell it all at once. I'm a writer. We like to string the suspense out a bit!!!

And here comes the thing that cascaded the awful events that have happened to me.

Because I was nearly 40 and Simon was 43 we decided that we should try for a baby. It was something we had both been denied in our previous marriages. I knew it was risky and knowing what I know now would I have changed my mind. No, absolutely not.

I got pregnant easily and had the usual bleeding at 5-6 weeks that had characterised my previous pregnancies. The scans were A OK so I relaxed. Ten weeks came along and I was feeling amazing. I had an inner glow.



I had no reason to think anything would go wrong once I'd got to 12 weeks. I really thought I was home and dry. I went for my 12 week scan by myself as Simon was busy at work. Within minutes of getting on the examination couch I sensed something was badly wrong. My face had suddenly become very red that morning as well. There was no feral heart. The baby was dead. My blood pressure was sky high at 170/110. I was pre-eclamptic at 12 weeks. Holy F**K.



I screamed, I sobbed. The noises coming from my body were like a wounded wild animal. I was left to cry in a corridor for ages. There were no kind words, no tissue no comfort. Just awkwardness. The Dr was embarrassed. He didn't have a clue what to do with me or what to say. I'm a midwife and I've had to work with him since. Double awkward. Every time I see him I'm taken back to this day. It's still raw.

I was on Clexane and Aspirin and Prednisolone 20mg. It didn't make any difference. I was utterly bereft. Simon was really good. He was upset too. I knew then, that this was my very last chance. I was never going to become a mum.



My job involves helping mums and dads with their babies, helping them learn to sleep, feed and develop. It's confronting. I get asked, "Do you have children?" quite often. Mostly I reply, "Unfortunately it didn't happen for me. I'd have liked a few." It leaves my clients/parents feeling awkward. Some press the point and ask, "Why" or "What happened?" How do you package it up nicely and not make them feel awkward? Its difficult. I belong to a very big family. I have 21 cousins,  most have children, several. I've become very motivated with my career. It fills a big void in me. It's also why I write. It helps.

 

I've since asked an Obstetrician/Gynaecologist why it happened. She said it most likely my very unstable lupus. So not all of you will experience such a disaster. But some of you will. I think the Lupus together with the Antiphospholipid Antibodies/syndrome were the problem.

I'm now a mad cat lady. Some people say they're my children. I don't see it that way. Cats are lovely but they're not children. They're cats.



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